Like everyone else I have my bad days, the same with the good ones; when I don't think about her. I try not to think about her. But that's like telling yourself not to think of water when you're thirsty. I ache for her, everyday, but like a scratch you can always focus on something else but the pain.
I still dream about her, and though I don't expect her to lie next to me every morning it still happens, and I fall as hard as I did almost 4 years ago. The hardest part is when I smell her in the shower. I smell her shampoo a lot when I'm under hot water. Even I didn't know what pain was until that happened the first time. I would dare to say it's worse than her actual death, cause that I barely remember anything from.
"would you at least tell me you love me?"
She often said that. On her way out the door, on her way to class, falling asleep, even hanging up.
"would you at least tell me you love me!"
Yeah, that's it. It sounded more like an order than a question. She knew what she wanted. I rarely told her out of free will. That annoyed the hell out of me. I hated how she always rushed me to things. How she always complained about how I never told her I loved her. God I hated that. I did. There is more to love than just saying it.
If she only knew. I hope she did.
I would send her an e-mail every now and then. I still do. It's absolutely pointless. But as a nonbeliever that's the only way I feel I can connect with her. They often refers to places we've been. I can still picture us together those places. I can usually recall the smell of her perfume and how it felt to be standing or walking those places with her.
I am fully aware how this might sound. How you might think of me. Pathetic. I don't care about that anymore. I don't bother anyone feeling this way. I don't. Among other people I don't think of the water, the scratch, I turn my head the other direction. Knowing I might feel her again in the morning or the morning after that. Maybe next week. And I'll fall just as hard.
I miss you.
